The Fall of The Ice Queen

“Hey guys! Daniel’s dead.” “What?” the whole room froze and all nine of them turned to me. Shrugging, I walked towards my bed and said “He's dead. Well, at least that’s what they said,” chuckling, I brought out my phone and clicked on the photo which was allegedly ‘his dead body’.  

 

“Basil posted this on his status and when I was coming back from mummy Dorcas, I saw him and Fatah crying.” “Abeg! Fatah too dey lie.” Sarah said, echoes of agreement rang throughout the room. “You know what?” I said. “Let go see this dead boy!” Laughing, we walked towards the boys dorm and stopped at the entrance. With red eyes and bloated noses, out stepped Basil, Chegbe and Fatah. We looked at them, then back at each other and looked at them again, then back at each other. Snickering quietly, I rolled my eyes and stared at them wondering how stupid they thought we were. A sudden hush fell over us, the sound of a pin drop could be heard, Man-o-War , an acquaintance,  had just emerged with tears  streaming down his face. 

 

Esther screamed and collapsed, some cried, some were too baffled to talk, others went in to confirm if he was truly dead. I stood in the background frozen, I could hear the sound of my heart racing. But he was okay. I spoke to him this morning and half way through the afternoon. This doesn’t make sense. It was all too much to take in. I could feel the tears threatening to spill, so I immediately gazed at the sky to keep them at bay. I needed to be alone, I couldn’t stay here any longer. I looked at Sarah, “ Let’s go”, she said. My ears were buzzing, the images in front of me started to blur. Turning, we walked quietly. We hadn’t taken more than three steps, when a sudden laughter echoed through the hall. Shocked, we turned.  “It was a joke!” The boys said with bodies shaking and smiles on their faces. What the…..? I pivoted on my heels and walked rapidly to my room. I just couldn’t think. My eyes were clouded with anger, I clenched and unclenched my fist. The faster I walked, the more livid I became. What sort of joke is this? I turned my head once more to look at the scene, when Daniel stepped out laughing and smiling. He began walking in my direction but his path was blocked by the crowd in front of the dorm. I swung my head to the front and jogged back to my room. I wasn’t just mad, I was hulk angry, veils were popping, mouth fuming, breathing in quick succession. I am quite sure if I stayed back at the scene, I would have turned green. I felt like killing him and I would have, if a gun was handed to me at that precise moment.  “I was on the verge of crying and you expect me to forgive him. I won’t. He’s dead to me.”

 

My friends thought I was angry because he tricked me. I wasn’t.  I was angry because I almost cried! I didn’t cry when my grandpa died and I had faked crying a good number of times, so it didn’t seem like I wasn't moved by the death of my relative. But what made this one so special, that I. Me! The renowned Ice Queen! Almost cried real tears! Not for a relative, but for a guy I only knew for 6 months!! I couldn't wrap my head around it and I found it aggravating. If someone narrated this scene to some boys in my high school, they would probably laugh and proceed to inform the person that “Onotina is as emotionless as they come and wouldn't be caught dead crying over a guy.” It wasn’t like I had no feelings, I very much liked looking at the male gender and swooned over a few. It’s just that I had walls that were impossible to climb, I was the Squid to the Bikini Bottoms, the Batman to Gotham City. You get the drift, I was invincible. Well, at least I thought I was, until just one silly joke proved that my years of training and mental preparation hadn’t unlocked the mangekyo sharingan, even though I already awakened the Sharingan  (Yes, I watched Naruto one time, sue me!). 

 

I had cousins that were certified heartbreakers and a bulk of my friends were guys. I always felt disgusted with how they treated girls: lie to catch their attention and when she falls, they dump her and then proceed to inform their friends of how they made her beg and cry like it was some kind of achievement. SERIOUSLY? I don’t care if they were having fun, it wasn’t cool. So over the years, I became emotionally ambivalent about the male gender and at the age of 12, I made a promise to myself that I would go out with as many guys as I could and break up with all of them, so they know how it feels to have their heart broken. Quite intriguing, isn’t it? I hated their guts but my friend group was dominated by them. Well it was either that or be friends with girls. It’s not like I have anything against the femine gender, I can’t really because well, I am a girl! But it's just that I never could relate to them. They talked about clothes and shoes, my conversations revolved around gadgets and soccer. They spent hours applying make-up, I didn’t even know they were different shades of powder until a guy in highschool told me about it. They liked wedges and pointy shoes, I prefer slides and snickers. They liked dresses and skirts, I preferred shorts and pants. That might seem stereotypical but I just didn’t get them and I tried but it always felt like they spoke a foreign language. So, I naturally gravitated to the male gender because although I hated their guts, I knew that not every male viewed the femine heart as a tennis match and I preferred and enjoyed their company. That’s until they decide they want to go out with me, then I am not really friendly. I am a romantic at heart, I love the chases, flirting and subtle contact here and there and I am quite amicable up until they blurt out the ‘will you be my girlfriend’ question, that when things start going down hill. It’s always the same thing, they look, I notice, we talk, we become friends, we flirt, they ask, I decline and the circle starts all over again. After a while, I had gained quite the reputation and earned a few nicknames  (which I am very proud of) to go with it : Ice Queen, Heart of Steel, Stone Cold. It gave me too much joy to rain on their parade, it was like I was returning the favor for all the times they played games with a girls heart and gave them a tiny glimpse of what some of those girls felt. It was gratifying. An accomplishment. Justice. Call me Tina the Punisher. 12 year old me would be proud!!

 

My aggravation over almost crying wasn’t an ego issue, it felt like I betrayed all the girls that have been heartbroken by the fabricated lies they were told. But the main source of my aggravation was the fact that I had broken the promise I made to myself when I was 12 and that betrayal stung more than anything. Almost crying made me realize I wasn’t as untouchable as I thought I was, marvelous isn’t it, to realize I am human after all. I thought I had a heart of steel, I could easily flirt with a guy and come out untouched, unscared, make them pay for everything their companions did. Talk about Prejudice. Elizabeth Bennet would be proud. It humbled me a bit, I had to face the fact that I did, in fact, have a heart and the feelings I had for him were bigger than I thought. It was really tough to accept the fact that I hadn’t betrayed those girls by developing emotions strong enough that knowing he was 'allegedly' dead almost brought me to tears. And it was scary to accept that reality when I had to force myself to cry when someone from my extended family died. I struggled to forgive myself, I had to come to grips with how the deeply rooted hatred I carried for so many years has affected my relationship not just with the mascinline gender but with everyone around me and I had to let go of the animosity I felt toward them. Granted, I still don’t agree with how some guys play ping pong with the femine heart, I dropped my cape and resigned from my role as the punisher.​